We have to find your far-flung bodies first.

I found some time to get back on the ol’ pallycorn this weekend. Well, I made time darn it because all of the guild’s alts are passing me disgracefully. My hunter friend is probably almost ready for Outland at this point, and a druid I didn’t even expect is already level fifty-something-or-other. (I did say that I don’t want to race to 80, however, there’s racing and then there’s disgracing).

I logged in and stood in Ironforge clicking a few buttons. OK, this one is Holy Shock(!), this is Holy Light, ah, Flash of Light, you are an old friend. I remember you well. Satisfied that I remembered at least something of my paladin toolbox, I joined the queue for something random. And then I waited. And waited… and waited. I did a few of the Fool for Love quests and went and honoured an Elder – but apparently, that doesn’t give XP (boo). I bought a new shield. It has spirit, but it’s also triangular, so how can that be wrong?

I gave up on Ironforge and decided to begin the business of collecting a few flight points. I had the time to fly to Menethil, run up through Arathi and then Alterac and I was in Southshore when the instance finally popped up. Actually, that’s a bit untrue. An instance popped up in Ironforge, and then again on the way to Southshore. However, those instances were unsuccessful. I must now take this moment to expound upon something that happens to each and every one of my characters.

Lone, AFK DPS, I curse you to an eternity of downranked spells on your action bars you never realize are downranked, tanks that can’t hold aggro, and healers who let you die. If I knew who you were I would write you a scathingly worded exceedingly clever letter but then I wouldn’t send it, because I’m Canadian, and I’d feel too guilty. But really, you keep giving me LFD queue irritation. Cut that out, would you? Take yourself out of the queue if you won’t be around. Get a drink before you queue up. That way the rest of us won’t get hung up with our 4/5 groups again and again. I’m not even sure how it works, it says “You’ve been returned to the front of the queue” but it doesn’t actually feel like it.

So finally my group formed. The loading screen appeared and I said “Oh crap what is this.” I assumed I’d be heading in for another Uldaman, but I was wrong: Mauradon. Something about some purple crystals. Little did I know, that purple would prove to be thematic…

“Hello,” I greeted the group as I stood there for one brief moment, a deer frozen in the headlights trying to remember the paladin things I am supposed to do. Oh right, blessings, that’s what I do! I scrambled to pass those around. These onesΒ  look like casters, and that one’s a tank, oh I’ll just give them all Kings anyhow. And make sure I have my Seal up.Β  While I’m going through my own little mini-buff drama, one of them remarks.

“This is weird”

I’m thinking, what’s weird? The tank isn’t a tank spec? You zoned in and we’re all naked? All of your action bars are gone?

No, indeed. The weird thing was our group composition. My first time back in the LFD after a forced absence, and Mother RNG gifted me with three – count ’em – three shadow-flinging, pet-aggroing, Lifetapping warlocks.

What's better than one warlock, after all? (The answer is a mage, of course...)

What ensued was a comedy partly borne of my own rustiness with my buttons, and partly pure warlock hilarity. The first pull left me gasping and struggling, because dear Mauradon (purple edition, I don’t know much about the others) seems to be full of disease. And poison. And poisons that stack. Which is pretty ridiculous, when you think about it.

Tank: “Agh, I have been poisoned!”

Paladin: “I shall cleanse you of this impurity!”

Tank: “Agh, they poisoned me MORE.”

Paladin: “One moment, I can only handle exactly 25 mL of poison at any given time. I’ll cleanse you again…”

So I’m doing that, the pull ends, and all of a sudden everyone’s health bar except mine and the tanks plummets incrementally to nearly nothing. I say, “OMG locks you have got to be kidding me.”

The room erupts in a series of giggles, “lol,” two Gnomish and one human. One of the warlocks assures me that they know they lifetap at their own risk. They’re exceedingly complimentary about my ability to keep them from croaking despite one having aggro and all of them doing their compulsive self-damaging thing.

A funny thing begins to happen. I want to resent them for oh so many reasons. But I’m starting to like the reckless little fel machines. I’m laughing, they are charming me. I tell them that they can lifetap themselves into oblivion so long as they remember that some of us still need to actually drink. I also tell them that three warlocks should come with heartburn medication.

Later, I tell them to forget the heartburn medication – three warlocks ought to come with beer.

We barrel through Mauradon – Purple Crystal Edition with barely a pause, and the group wants to queue up for another but our bear tank is tired of tanking. He decides he’s going to leave, and I’m alone with only warlocks for company.

“Let’s all get our voidwalkers!” one enthused. “Each of them can tank one mob at a time.”

“This is silly,” one of the warlocks said, “I think I’m going to go, guys.”

I’m here to tell you, that warlock peer pressure is a powerful thing. That warlock stayed. And apparently these “more-a-minion-than-a-pet” creatures are an extension of self, because a few successful trash packs later and the warlocks were proceeding into e-peen territory.

“Well, my voidwalker was holding aggro way better than yours, and we killed that mob before yours died.”
“No way, your voidwalker sucked! Mine was awesome.”
“No, I inflict pain and suffering at a much faster rate than you do!”

Is this what a warlock convention looks like? And if so, how did I stumble upon one?

We did eventually pick up another tank. He was… one of those people I don’t quite trust. He kept running on ahead, not waiting for me to drink. At one point, his health was a mere sliver, I was nearly OOM, and then I saw him going. My face looked something like this:


Tank, predictably, goes splat (as he runs out of range, pulls another group of mobs, and also breaks line of sight just for a cherry on his death sundae). Then he says “And no heals, were you OOM or something? Why didn’t you say something?” Now my face looks like this:


It’s okay though, this tank had a lot of problems. Apparently his relative had just had his arm cut off mere hours earlier so he’s NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BEING MADE FUN OF U GUYS. I don’t point out the improbability of being on your computer playing World of Warcraft if someone near and dear to you just had their arm cut off, but hey. Maybe he was confusing this dramatic event with a movie he’d just watched. And also, he was in a car acccident, and needed to have surgery on his face. And his Mom was hurt by the seatbelt. And and and… I didn’t reply to any of this but some of our group members were sympathetic. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I do. And if any of it were true, then I am sincerely sorry for having doubted him. But for now, my suspension of disbelief was strongly tested.

We had plenty of time to discuss these things, you see, as when the tank died we wiped. I thought I could follow one of the purple dots back to where we’d come from, but they scattered in all directions (see: pug diffusion). Instead, I just had to follow my own better judgment. Here is a mountain pass, this seems to lead to Mauradon, and here is a cave. In the cave I got turned around a little bit. Only one ‘lock had made it back. And, astoundingly, the second person in the instance was me. Despite my well-documented failure at navigating pretty much anything, I managed to find my way back. I just followed the Purple Crystals. Apparently what old world instances need more of, for my sake, is obvious sign posts and giant, colour-coded walkways. None of the other locks or the tank ever made it in, we ventured inside and killed some trash on our own to reach their corpses and resurrect them.

At this point the group was starting to get silly, so when we finished the instance I bowed out to take myself off to bed. “No, Vid! You can’t go,” the lead lock protested. “You are our glue.” Warlock glue isn’t something I’m really ready to contemplate. Made from an amalgam of squished souls? What’s their viscosity? So his pleas fell upon deaf ears. I’d like to think that the three warlocks stuck together and ran many a Mauradon after that, but I suppose I’ll never know.

Meantime, 100% rested XP and all this running around Mauradon led me to be level 42! I was so bleary when this happened that I logged off thinking I had dinged to level 41, but I was wrong. I did go through my entire stack of beverages, though. I hope I’m at a point soon where I get a new “rank” of beverage because my Moonberry Juice is no longer cutting it. It makes me feel all impressive and paladin-like, a la level 80 Holy Paladin: “Excuse me guys, it takes twenty minutes to fill my mana bar up to full because I just have SO MUCH OF IT. I’m swimming in it. I mean, if only these strudels gave me twice as much mana, I wouldn’t have to eat two of them, just to fill up my enormous mana bar. Also, it’s longer than yours.”

The sad reality is, though, that I think my drinks just aren’t good enough for my level, it’s not that I have a particularly large amount of smarts.

But when I get to level 80? Heck yeah I’ll be a paladin just like the one above!

“Yaaawn. Excuse me, I think I’ll go AFK and grab a drink, maybe a sandwich… my mana bar is refilling. You know how it is.”

15 responses to “We have to find your far-flung bodies first.

  1. Three warlocks, that’s amazing, haha! My lowbie healer friend has fits when a lone Warlock lifetaps himself into oblivion, I can only imagine what his reaction would be had he been in your situation. πŸ™‚

  2. My little pally is now holy/prot and is also 42. I am leveling with a warlock, which drives me absolutely insane. The compulsion to heal him is intense, but I know I cannot sacrifice my mana. Luckily he is an herbalist, and times his lifetaps with a hit of lifeblood.

    Three warlocks might just give me a heart attack.

  3. I didn’t understand DPS afk either, until I stopped pugging with my main (the 80 holy pally with the HUGE mana bar) and started queuing with my mage…

    She’s in the queue so long, eventually something happens, like the phone rings, there’s a knock on the door, I get a message on skype, or I just really really REALLY have to take a bio break. You can’t waste all the time you spend requeueing for all those things… so you nip afk as fast as you can and hope for the best. Murphy’s law states, afk dps will always miss their queue.

    πŸ˜› Oh the shame!

  4. About a month ago I would cringe seeing a warlock in my lowbie druid healer’s group. Then, account off for money reasons, I hopped onto hubby’s acct and played with my level 15 warlock. After a week of playing her, I have seen the light. I no longer cringe, I just throw rejuvs at ’em πŸ™‚

    Warlocks are funny little things, aren’t they?

  5. I laughed out loud about four times reading this :> Lady of the Hilarious and Clever Phrasing, I bow to you.

    I would have been SO afraid for myself in a group with three(3!) warlocks. I can barely keep my temper with one… (Of the PuG variety – I will admit that a courteous warlock that LifeTaps smartly is a rare wonder that many never see.)

  6. As a sometime warlock, a sometime paladin healer and a fellow fan of alts, this was a great read. Thanks for some great laughs.

  7. Just started reading your blog. Hits home because as both a holy paladin and someone who has leveled a healer almost exclusively through LFD (my shaman), I know where you’re coming from.

    Maraudon is a freaking nightmare and a half…

  8. Perfectly awesome … I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks. And now I am going to have to subscribe to your blog.


  9. Hi! Good morning M’am

    Uhm… sometimes it’s really not the dpsers fault. Stuff like that has happen to me before. What might have happened was that the guy was questing and in the middle of combat when the party started. You can’t join the party when you are in combat by the way πŸ™‚ You know how it is when a hunter is soloing an elite, or a small army of mobs with his trusty gorilla XD

  10. I’m so happy you’re back from your little break! πŸ™‚ It’s nice to get another fix of Vidyala’s adventures.

    Have you noticed that an incredible number of the people one finds in LFD have absolutely no idea where the dungeon we’re in is actually located in the world at large? That isn’t necessarily a problem until, as you said, the group wipes and you have to find your way back in from the nearest graveyard.

    I mean, before LFD, at least you knew everyone had gotten as far as the meeting stone, even if you had to summon them yourself. But the first time my baby Bear presided over a wipe in Blackfathom Deeps (precipitated by a hunter who seemed to suffer from a combination of Tourette’s Syndrome and ADHD), I was somewhat surprised to learn that only one of our groupmates had even been to Ashenvale, ever, to say nothing of having found the Zoram Strand, the BFD meeting stone, or — heaven forbid — the instance portal inside.

    Sadly, it seems this trouble is not limited to BFD, either. Razorfen Downs, Uldaman, Maraudon, Sunken Temple, and Blackrock Depths all hide their portals inside cave complexes seemingly designed to confuse the unwary. (Maraudon is also cursed with being in Desolace, and I don’t think anybody goes there on purpose except to get the Explorer and Loremaster achievements…). It’s come to such a pass that I dread wiping more because of the time it will take to get everyone back into the instance, than for any humiliation or damage we might suffer as a result of dying horribly in fire.

    Oh, and on the topic of water — it never seems to be enough! I really, really wish they would just shift all the low-level waters one position “downward”, so that casters could fill up on one bottle instead of three or four. Sure, maybe a mage can conjure water, but it’s such a hassle to have to drink for like two minutes straight just to refill your bar!

    Bottoms up! πŸ™‚

  11. THREE WARLOCKS?! Omigodwibble! Warlocks are like the George Wickham of healing – you know they’re bad for you but they just have this secret charm. Also appreciation for the fact they are a heart-attack waiting to happen can go a long way. This post made me laugh muchly…I used to love Mara back in the day but the idea of trying to PUG it makes me cry inside.

  12. Utter hilarity!
    3 x Warlocks = heart attack for sure πŸ™‚

    Glyph of Life Tap should be made mandatory for all locks, that way they have an incentive to LT regularly instead of spamming it like crazy all at once at the end of each fight.

  13. Pure gold!!

    Glad to come back regularly. πŸ˜€

  14. Warlocks and their lifetaps… ugh. As a druid healer I’ll toss ’em ONE rejuv if they start tapping while out of combat. If that doesn’t top them up, then meh. Their mana is not more important than mine, and I suspect that the tank would agree. If they want to tap themselves to death, I’ll res them. Later… maybe…

  15. Pingback: The Odyssey « Pugging Pally

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