Alas’ Illustrated Guide to Why Pugs Are Evil

Hello all – it’s Alas from Kiss My Alas, here to talk to you all about PUGs. I normally spend my time writing about dysfunctional dinosaurs, butchering great works of literature and pretending to know anything about being a guild master.

Seeing as how Vidyala has given me complete and total free reign in her digs, and since I know you all like awesome art, I decided to break into her art supplies to help illustrate the many ways in which PUGs are ignorant and therefore evil. I have it on good authority that the two are related.

One word on my amazing art before we begin – don’t let the sheer awesomeness fool you – most of these are not screenshots but were actually crafted by me. I know it will be tempting to make many flattering comments about my abilities also, but let’s respect that artists can be temperamental and not heap too many praises on my natural knack for drawing. I wouldn’t want Vidyala to feel threatened.

First, I want to establish how I know that ignorance and evil are essentially the same thing. To do that, I must point to another figure in the blogging community. Since you can read the whole story there, I shall use my art to help soften the blow.

 

Why on earth is that sword for druids?

 

Clearly, a very evil tree, trying to ninja swords with attack power when he’s a healer. That is the very epitome of triple fail.

But Alas, you say. That’s an easy enough mistake to make! And the tree wasn’t trying to take the sword – he was just asking a question.

My reply to you is: Shut up! I won’t have all the science of my post undermined by your paltry logic!

Let me provide another example. If there is one thing Blizzard has used to punish the evildoers in Wrath, it has been to throw all manner of bad stuff on the floor and see who is ignorant enough to stand in it. As it turns out, there are a lot of ill-mannered people out there. They usually look like this:

 

Stands in the bad

 

Hey, you malicious fool! That’s demon pee you’re standing in there. Gross.

Then we have the criminally suicidal jerks, who have no concept of threat or the fact that as a warlock they really shouldn’t pull it. Unlike mages, warlocks don’t have the sense to encase themselves in a block of ice or to pull out fetching distractions in the form of Mirror Images. This is why they usually end up tanking the big, bad floor boss, impairing the party’s dps (however slightly) and then forcing someone to resurrect them and then forcing everyone else to rebuff them. Talk about a mana drain. They never did understand that spell correctly.

 

Tanks the floor boss

 

Oh yeah, you’ve got the floor under control now. Good job.

While we’re pointing fingers at specific classes, let’s take a look at those feather-brained laser chickens. I bet I don’t even have to mention the way they most frequently cause wipes and display their inconsiderate iniquity. I will anyway. With pictures again, because if I don’t use my angry words, then that makes it okay, right?

 

SQUAWK

 

“Squawk?” I bet that’s your whole line of defense right there, isn’t it? Try learning mea culpa next time you pull half the damn instance with your stupid stars.

On the subject of stupid, how about that tank that overpulls trash in every instance because “it’s just trash, lol.” The fact that he dies, the healer dies and the dps dies doesn’t convince him that he is the one doing anything wrong, oh no. After all, in any case where a tank dies, odds are it’s the healer’s fault. That’s brainless logic for ya.

 

Tank Who Overpulls

 

To be fair, brainless is how we like our tanks. Who else would sign up to get smashed in the face over and over again?

I can tell you who, actually. It’s that person who just comes in and starts blabbing away endlessly about things no one cares about. PUGs are meant to be anonymous and distant transactions among strangers, not cozy gatherings at the coffee shop with the gang where everyone can catch up on each other’s lives. You’re there for badges, not a disquisition on some stranger’s kittens being like, omg, soooo cute!

 

Just won't STFU

 

And you know, this is always a gnome. They’re creepy and talkative.

The polar opposite of Miss Talks-A-Lot is the silent and deadly AFK ninja. This person never says anything, ever. Particularly not when they’ve decided to go buy groceries or take a nap mid-instance. One moment they are there and doing their job at least semi-adequately; in the next moment, they are gone, left blankly staring at a wall in a deserted hallway somewhere.

AFK

I enjoy kicking them right before the final boss, especially if it looks like they just got back and are moving in the party’s general direction.

I’d say it would teach them, but I find that many of the people one encounters in a PUG aren’t teachable.

Unfortunately, this can result in someone who should have learned to be aware of their surroundings failing to look around them before frantically mashing their keyboard with their face.

 

Lack of awareness

 

Jerk hunters! Take a long disengage off a short pier!

That about wraps up the sort of unintelligent things you might encounter in any PUG today. Because I am a giver, though, I also wanted to forewarn everyone of a returning menace. I speak of the once and future menace, Crowd Control breakers.

 

CC breakers

 

Look, I like roast mutton as much as the next person, but you break my sheep and I break your face, got it?

There is a magical, mythical place to send all these time-wasting morons you might encounter. It’s called the Bee Pit. It’s a good thing the pit is very deep – there’s always just one more idiot to be found and tossed in.

Speaking of the Bee Pit, DinoTam is standing over my shoulder and demanding to have me include this picture he worked up which details the PUG he would most like to put there. Apparently, he gets this one every time he queues for a random dungeon.

 

The one PUG DinoTam would push into the Bee Pit.

 

HEY THAT IS NOT FUNNY

If you’ll all excuse me, I have a dinosaur to deal with. Him and his smart mouth! But I hope the guide was useful in helping you to identify those villains of the LFD underbelly!